Conqueror

Movies!

2009-11-13T16:51:00.000-08:00

So, I'm watching Jane Eyre again. mmmmm. delish.

Made me think of this post: http://invisiblob.blogspot.com/2007/01/in-her-heart.html

ahh... i used to write poetry!!!! Not anymore.. at least.. lately I haven't been writing much of anything.

I'm supposed to be writing a 50000 word novel... but I'm not getting very far. My stupid writing is so frustrating!!! >_< oh well.

I love Jane Eyre. Almost as much as I love Phantom of the Opera. hmm.. toss-up!! Can I act in both someday? Please? With loads of cherries and ice cream?? mmm.

Change

2009-10-19T15:44:00.000-07:00

I changed my layout!!! I got tired of green. I only wish there were more cool choices for Blogger.... all the choices they have are pretty boring. >_<

Ugh. My stomach isn't THAT strong.

2009-10-18T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm researching squirrel meat today for my upcoming persuasive speech in which I will attempt to persuade the entire class to eat squirrel meat. Hypocritically, I don't think I would really eat squirrel meat unless I was desperate and/or in a foreign country. haha. but they don't need to know that.

anyways.. came across this guy's blog: http://www.beastfeaster.co.uk/

Basic premise: this guy is eating 52 different types of "meat" in 52 days. *shivers* some are normal... many not quite so. If you think you have a tough stomach, then be sure to check out the post about eating worms.

Oh, and definitely read the one about eating squirrel meat.

All I can say is that it is a good thing I am working on this many hours AFTER lunch has digested. *grimaces*

PLAY!!!

2009-10-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

I got to play Volleyball last night!!! I was soooo happy. =] I'm really sore today, but it was totally worth it.

I also found out more about playing intramural sports so I'm considering doing that next semester.. or next year. mmm.

Now if only I had a piano.. then I could really be perfectly happy. <3

A Reason to Sigh

2009-09-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

College is depressing me.

I realize even more how worthless I am. What can I do? Nothing! There are 11000 people here who can do everything better than I can! I am not very good at anything and I have no one goal for my life. I'm just living. Why bother?

I know I am not supposed to ask questions like that. I know I am supposed to be very positive and confident all the time. *deep voice* Of course I have talents unique to myself! Of course I am here for a reason! I am a very important part of this universe!

*laughs* It's amazing the difference between logic and reality. In reality, the song goes like this: "Anything I can do, they can do better. They can do ANYTHING better than I."

Again, I ask, so why bother?

Honestly, I am jealous of people who have one goal in mind and go for it with a single-minded determination. I can't do that. I want everything. I want to do everything. I want to be everything. What does that leave me with? Nothing.

And that, my friends and readers, is my reason to sigh.

Roommates?

2009-09-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

Last night I was telling my roommates about some of the places I would take them if they ever wanted to visit me in California. Immediately they started talking about how they would get there.

"A road trip, maybe? ooh.. that would be fun!"

I brought up the fact that it is very expensive to travel across the country. They said they knew and went on planning. Yes, it's expensive.. but so what? When or if the funds come in.. they are willing to visit me all the way across the country!

I have to admit, I was stunned.

I have known these two girls for just a little over a month. A month and four days.

You might be saying to yourself, "so what?" Let me put this into perspective for you.

When I left home, people I had known for 4 years or more basically said to me "We won't visit you, but you can visit us anytime!"

Do you see the difference? Two people who I have known only for a small amount of time show more desire to make an effort to visit than most of the people I'd known for years.

Even if they never actually are able to make it all the way to California, the fact that they even want to is enough for me.

I think I am being reminded of what a good friend looks like.

We'll see.

Shriek

2009-09-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Midnight. Tuesday. September 15.

My roommate heads out to take a shower and says to me "If you're not in bed when I come back I will slap you!"

Five minutes later I am ready for bed and about to get into bed when I have an idea.

I get into her bed.

My other roommate calmly goes about cleaning the room.

5 minutes after my showering roommate returns, she still hasn't noticed me sleeping in her bed. She gets on her computer like she does all the time. Her desk just happens to be right below me. So, I lean over the side to spy on her. The bed creaks. She freaks. Both my other roommate and I have trouble not laughing out loud and pretty soon we have her convinced that she is psychotic.

When she keeps hearing the creaking of the bed as I move around she becomes convinced that she is not psychotic and that the bed is really going to fall down on top of her. Then I pop up and she shrieks. It wasn't a nice scream that people give you when you jump out at them. This was the kind of shriek the girls in horror movies give where it's so loud it's almost quiet and only lasts for a split second. Then she stands there with her hands over her mouth and we all laugh so hard it hurts.

Yes, I should have gone to sleep. But it was totally worth it. I only wish we'd been taping it. =[

Phantom

2009-09-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

I am the Phantom.

In the beginning he is a thing of beauty. He has so much potential! He invents fabulous things. His Pharaoh are closer than ever as he strives every day to please his master. One day, he fulfills his master's ultimate desire. In return, his master orders his assassination in order to protect the secret of the invention.

The ultimate betrayal leaves the Phantom scarred--his heart is disfigured beyond recognition. The angel of light falls to become the angel of darkness.

He builds around himself the ultimate defenses. Using his genius, he creates for himself a world that he can control. Never again will anyone get close to his heart. Never again will anyone hurt him. His heart is locked up in a crystal jar. It cannot be hurt. It cannot be healed.

Then She appears. She is like a soothing balm for his tortured soul. Perhaps she is the one to heal is broken heart? Yet, he cannot be sure. So he draws her in. He must be in control, otherwise he cannot trust anyone. And then all that remains is for her to say yes and put the pieces of his heart back together. Every little angle has been looked at and the plan is foolproof. But even a genius can make mistakes. In the end, the glass jar is shattered and the world he thought he controlled turned against him. Just like his master did. Just like She does.

Then anger and desperation sets in. If he cannot have her and happiness, nobody else shall! It is to be him or nothing!

The truth? He cannot see it. It stares him in the face and he is blinded to it. In his selflessness he got hurt. Now, in his selfishness, he hurts others.

It would be better if he disappeared.

It would be better if he had never appeared in the first place.

The first time he was struck down, it changed him beyond recognition. But he put on his mask and stood up and faced the world.

The next time he was struck down, he truly became the Phantom. He did not bother to get up. He crawled away stripped of everything--even his mask.

His heart, you ask? What happened to that? It and the glass jar were shattered into a million pieces. If you look carefully, you will find them. They are no longer hidden.

I am the Phantom.
~~~
I AM the Phantom.
But what will I become?

Can I get up off my hands and knees?
Can I reassemble my heart?

Picking up the mask once more
It is time to move on
Once again
A new beginning must be found
A new identity forged.

"Child of the Wilderness
Learn to be Lonely
Learn to find Your Way in Darkness.

Learn to be your One Companion.

So Laugh in your Loneliness.

Life Can be Lived
Life Can be Loved
Alone."

GNED

2009-09-12T21:20:00.001-07:00

"Last person in prays." So then we waste the first 10 minutes of class just letting people trickle in. A hilarious waste of time. To start out with we read the class verse together. In the middle of the verse, someone comes in even later. So we start the verse all over again just so they can lead instead. Last one in leads in the class verse and prayer. I hope we do this every day. :)

SPEECH COM

2009-09-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

"Intimate space is within 0 to 18 inches. Now, it is okay with us if someone comes into our intimate space if... ?"

"We're dating?"

"uumm.. Yes.. but that's not what I meant. I'm sorry, left that question wide open. Let's try again. It is okay with us if strangers come into our intimate space if...?"

"We're French?"

*whole class dies laughing*

There goes that topic....

The Most Beautiful

2009-09-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

The sunset was so beautiful tonight.

After a hot sunny day, the clouds finally began float overhead. Beautiful navy blue clouds slowly turning black as the night comes on. Behind the clouds, the sun sets with glorious shades of rosy red and orange. The brightness of the sky makes the darkness stand out even more. The dark clouds make the sky behind even brighter!

And I wonder why God did not allow me the luxury of wings so that I could soar above and be submerged in the beauty that makes my very soul want to soar.

He Gives

2009-09-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

And He takes away.

People always say college is a big change. I don't think even they could have expected what kind of change it would be for me. Here at college, God took away everything.

Everything He gave me before, now He took it all away.

My dream? He took it away.
My family? Absent. Busy with their own lives. Unable to push me on or cook for me or hug me here.
My identity? Gone.
Confidence? I don't even know half the stuff that is going on here!
My closest friends? Snatched away in an instant.
Interest in life? You wouldn't believe how tedious and pointless my classes are this year.

It's both painful and pleasurable to have nothing--to be forced against your will to completely trust Him. He has hidden the bigger picture from my eyes, but He knows it. Why do I need to know it? I don't need security in my plans for myself. He can give me security for that. I don't need a best friend. I only need Him. Even if all friends leave me, I have Him. And that is all I'll need. At least, He should be all I need. It still is a struggle.

Every day I must repeat to myself the same thing: "I do not know, but He does."

I don't know what the future will bring. He does. I do not know what work is out there for me. He does.

The most exciting and exhilarating thing ever, though, is when He allows me a glimpse of what is to come. He gave me back a dream. A new dream! A new goal to work for! And He has given me new friends! What the Lord gives, He can take away. What He takes away, He gives anew.

Baby laughing at the Wii

2009-08-28T21:01:00.001-07:00

Baby gives the evil eye!

2009-08-28T21:00:00.001-07:00

Best Baby Laugh

2009-08-28T20:59:00.001-07:00

College

2009-08-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I have officially started college and the newest part of my life.

I think the most amusing thing about college at this point is the guys. The way people talk makes it sound like most guys just go to Liberty just go get a girlfriend. *laughs* I think there are many more cheaper ways to find a partner.

I also think that college is a little overrated. But that opinion might change as the semester goes on. So, I'm going to talk to an academic adviser and see how condensed I can make all my classes so I can take as little time as possible. Also, I would like to save money. I know that it drives my mother crazy when I'm always talking about saving money and time, but we don't have any! I'm not about to just party around at college (no matter how much fun it is) and waste thousands of dollars just so I can have fun. We can't afford it.

Besides, I'm here to learn and get a degree so people will consider me "educated enough." While it may be fun at the same time, I can't afford to waste my time.

One speaker, though, while talking about how the guys are looking for girls said to the freshman guys: "cool it." *laughs* because of course freshmen aren't ready for that sort of thing. *grins* But really, there are cheaper dating services out there. And I really want to get on with something more. Like... while I admit that education is important, it really can be a waste of time. I don't really NEED gen. ed. classes, and I already wasted enough of my time in highschool, I don't want to repeat that.

I have a while bunch of errands to run now so that's the only update you get for now!

2009-08-11T15:45:00.001-07:00

"Who was he?

He was Edmond Dante. He was my father and my mother. He was you. He was me. He was all of us."

Simplicity.. as a little child

2009-08-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

[[dedicated to walljm because I kept using these examples on him during our last conversation]]

Working with 2nd graders this summer taught me one very important fact: not much changes as humans grow.

Here are some examples:

1. When two of my kids would fight, I would force them both to talk it out and make up. Often, they wouldn't want to do it on their own. All they really want to do is get revenge. However, once they talk it out and make up, everything is all better!

Adults are just the same. *disgusted sigh* Two people get mad at each other.. they stop speaking to each other... they start hurting each other as much as possible. They just seem to be asking for someone to step in and say "Talk this out right now and make up! Stop being ridiculous!"

2. When one child accidentally bumps into another child and hurts him/her, he often does not see the need to apologize. However, harm has been done and even though it was unintentional, it is still important for the first child to apologize to the hurt child. It just makes everything all better. Moreover, it doesn't hurt anyone to apologize.

Adults hate apologizing. Even when they accidentally hurt someone, it's a terrible thing to apologize! How degrading! *gags* How immature! Who cares if it was an accident? Someone got hurt, so just swallow your stupid pride and apologize!

3. When one 2nd grader tells on another 2nd grader, a good teacher never completely believes that student. While there is a pretty good chance that it is true, there is also a very good chance that it is only half true. Whenever a student tells on someone else, it is always best to ask them "What did you do?" Make the student look at his or her own faults in the situation! It works so much better than just benching everyone. If they can acknowledge their own wrongdoing in a situation, then it is so much easier to come to a satisfying conclusion.

This situation happens ALL the time in adult lives. Seriously, just ask yourself next time you get mad at someone: "What did I do?" One simple question. So hard to answer. We like to think we're perfect. :) Guess what... nobody is! HA! Too bad! This also shows up a lot in politics as everyone points fingers at everyone else. Lot of good that does. Don't ever believe everything anyone tells you. That's just plain stupidity. Why should we assume that just because someone is in a position of responsibility he will always speak the truth? It doesn't make sense.

4. Some children, especially younger ones, tend to feel that they can only love one person at a time. I've gotten lots of complaints about children that run like this: "She's not my friend any more because she's that other girl's friend. Now they won't play with me!"

Love does not have to be exclusive. Before, I wrote a post on cookies versus tomatoes. Let your love be like tomatoes! The more you give, the more you get! So many adults feel that love is limited. Well, love is only limited if you make it so. So, unlimit yourself!

5. Children love attention. A hug means so much to them! It can make the difference between a good day and a bad day.

Adults are the same way. My brother and sister (both very old) feel so much better after getting a little bit of love.

~~~

Now.. I admit it: I'm not 18 yet. Will be soon, though. But I dread it. Age really doesn't make much of a difference. Why bother growing up if I'm just going to be as immature and stupid as my second graders?

Then again, it is my own choice how I act! So, regardless of my age, I would rather not be like those first four. Hugs I don't mind. Attention I don't mind. But the first four? ugh. no. i'll let all the other stupid old people be like that. *phbbt*

Marriage

2009-08-06T22:42:00.000-07:00

[08.06.09.3AM]

In my family, most of the females are obsessed with two words: "love" and "marriage." Often, that makes life very crazy for the rest of the crew. Over the years, I've been matched with many different guys--all came to nothing (duh!). I actually find it all very depressing. I mean, is it really fine to spend so much time, money, and effort on looking good enough to catch a guy? Does it really matter if the guy you marry is hot or not? I don't mind looking at guys that are pleasing to the eye either. But really... most of them really aren't much good for anything else but being looked at! Do you really want to marry a guy like that?

Rather, Can you stand each other? Can you forgive each other's annoyances? Is the match even plausible? Would both sides be supportive of each other, or tear each other down? Basically, can it succeed? Or is it doomed to fail?

Women are often silly creatures. If a man is kind to one, her heart flutters and she suddenly starts to wonder: "Does he like me?" It's ridiculous! She does her best to see signs of a future where there is nothing but well-wishes and/or friendship. Then, to make matters worse, she blames the guy when he fails to meet her exaggerated expectations.

Now, I might have also exaggerated a little. No two situations are ever alike.

But, unless a man has explicitly stated he is interested, what right does anyone have to assume?

A very wise (and humorous) person taught me this way to think of the word ASSUME:

It makes an [insert first 3 letters] of [insert next letter] and [insert last 2 letters].

Assuming too much about such things only leads to hurt and a general show of stupidity.

So please, Please, PLEASE, think before you start letting your heart go! Don't let your emotions control you! Think about it, do you really want that person you are chasing to be the parent of your children? Can you really trust them with your life?

Now, just to clarify, I have nothing against marriage or love. They are wonderful! But only in moderation. =/ Otherwise it is easy to get that drowning feeling. blech. I'm sure most of you know what I'm talking about. It's so hard to look at things objectively when emotions get in the way!

Looking again at my family, so many of the girls seem to have no goals in life beyond getting married. They live their entire lives just preparing themselves to be a perfect missionary's wife or pastor's wife. But what kind of life is that to live? What happens if God does not provide a missionary or a pastor, what other thing are they fit for? *grimaces* It seems like such a pathetic way to live.

*shrugs* Personally, I prefer to be surprised. =] Will my husband be older or younger? Dunno. Will he be tall or short? Dunno. Will he be strong or weak? Dunno. Will he be super smart or normal? Dunno. Will he be hot or average? Dunno.

Don't care. =] I trust God to give me just what I need! In the meantime, I find it so much more beneficial to focus on other things BESIDES chasing after some random guy that probably isn't even good for me.

Matters of the Heart

2009-08-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

[08.02.09]

Love much, Hurt much
Laugh hard, Cry hard
Feel much.

If you are capable of feeling one extreme, then you also open yourself up to the other.

Seeing my whole family together this year, I realized that we are that sort of family. Everyone is so affectionate! And yet, being so free with love, it is also easy to be hurt. The strength of our feelings can be seen in the fury of our words when we snap at each other, the affection shown when making up, and the forgetfulness when dealing with past wrongs.

Sometimes, though, hurts go so deep that they are not so easily washed away. Bitterness thrive in affectionate hearts and can turn them stone cold.

Such hearts seek to give love (mainly) and perhaps receive a little. In a house where hugs and kisses and even tickling abound, it is obvious that love is both being given and received. That comfort that love brings hits you like a tidal wave upon entering a room of the brush relations on most occasions!

But when we are away from our family, and our love is rejected, it feels like a slap in the face. We are stunned. Confused. Staggered.

Does that mean our kind of love is bad? Not in the least. So long as one can prevent the bitterness from taking over, I believe it is the very best kind of love.

Inspiration

2009-06-30T19:25:00.001-07:00

Strange thoughts and words.
Flowing
and decadent.
Where do they come from?

They cannot be mine.
Mine are
choppy
disconnected
confused.
These are smooth and
luscious.
Like chocolate on my tongue.

I know not where these words
originate
or where
they are going.
Am I going mad?

Is it madness to blindly follow?
clueless
questioning
hoping
that the end is as beautiful
as the journey.

The true author of these words knows.
But He is ever
silent
secretive
only prompting.

Yet, curiosity is all-consuming.
Prodding
tormenting
wondering
Where does this road lead?

The answer is not to be found.
Unless I follow
and by following
reach
the end.

Very Full Of Our Self-Importance We Are

2009-06-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

We rush around to do so many important things. A meeting. An assembly. A party. We stress out over so many important things. Does he like me? Am I getting fat? Is this true love? Can I afford a bigger TV?
OR
Will I get that job? Will that college accept me? Can I get a 4.0 GPA?

So much of importance that must be accomplished! So much that can possibly go wrong!

Yet, what is a drop in an ocean? What is one day out of an entire year? What is one book in a library?

Minuscule, that's what. Small and unimportant.

So worry! Stress! Rush around and accomplish your single-minded, self-centered goals. Then, when you finally achieve what you were chasing after or despair of ever getting it, look back on the lives you touched.

See the tears you never wiped away. Notice the pain you caused and the scars you created. See the laughter you never got to share and the jokes you failed to tell.

The truth?

It's not really the "Here" and "Now" that matter.

It's the "Who."

Who have you blessed, encouraged, hugged, or loved today?

This week?

Month? Year?

Dreams

2009-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend about dreams today.

What a fascinating concept--the human ability to dream. How do you limit such a wonderful thing to words?

You can't limit it, of course. That's just the thing that makes up its very essence. A dream is limitless. Anything you can imagine suddenly becomes a possibility! Cripples can walk. The blind can see. The ugly become beautiful and Prince Charming waltzes in and sweeps you off your feet. "Impossible" has ceased to be a word in your vocabulary.

There is only one condition: closed eyes. You must close your eyes to reality, to practicality, to logic. You must not think of what mother would say or what your friends will think. You know that mother is very logical and likes practical things. Under such scrutiny, your dream would probably fall to pieces. Many of your friends, also, are not very supportive. The way of today's world is to look out for yourself. They have their own dreams and have no time for yours. Besides, they have sharp tongues. Under such heavy ridicule, your dreams would wither in seconds.

The world is a dangerous place. It is important to hold your dreams close to your own heart. Once you let them out, who knows what will happen to them! What if you never get them back? What if they are injured beyond all hope?

For each person, the dangers are a little different. And yet, so many dreams are shot down before they even have a chance to breathe! Do not let that happen to yours. Cherish it. Keep it close. Achieve it. Then, when you have reached the heights you dreamed of, stand proud and declare your accomplishments.

Look forward to the time when you can finally say "I am living my dream."

A dream is a beautiful thing. Cherish yours, for there are many who have lost theirs.

New Beginnings

2009-06-14T22:50:00.000-07:00

Last day of school is long gone. Senior trip has been over. Graduation? Been there and done that. I suppose it's about time to write something meaningful.

This middle state is very interesting. There are no titles on me yet. I am no longer a high school senior. Nor am I quite a college freshman yet. I'm just me, and that is quite enough.

Friendships that have been will no longer be. New ones will be formed. My entire life is changing. And yet, some things will forever be the same. It doesn't feel like I have changed much. Either for better or for worse.

I'm both excited and scared at the same time. I look forward to seeing how my life will change and what new adventures and discoveries lie before me. However, I am heading directly into the great unknown. Anything could happen and my control is so small.

Stress is big, too. There's so much to do between now and then!

I think responsibility is overrated. I don't know about any of you, but every once in a while I get the urge to leave. Actually, I get that urge quite often. It's the desire to just stand up and walk away... and just keep walking. To forget about everything that needs to be done and all the people that have some claim on my time. Instead, to walk. Enjoy nature. Enjoy being alive! Relish my smallness in relation to the universe. Enjoy being alone.

It turns out that having one special person in your life is not necessary. It is possible to get through life without ever having one really good friend to support you and be supported by you. It is possible to get through life without ever having a significant other. While it is better to have good friends and companionship, it isn't necessary. I would not say it is not worth it if you have it, but don't waste your life seeking it. Enjoy the friends and family you have, but when they move on, open your heart to others. I am learning that you cannot ever run out of love. As new people come into your lives, there is room in your heart for them along with everyone else--nobody needs to be replaced. Your heart just automatically expands to encompass them as well! It's amazing and so sweet. Yes, it hurts when it is time to move on or others leave you. However, do not dwell on the sadness of parting, but, rather, the joy of new relationships. That is hard for me to do, but when I finally slap myself out of a pity party, I feel so much better!

All this change makes me look back at my life. That's not an altogether happy thing. However, all the things I've done make up who I am. Whether I like that or not, it's just the way it is. All that remains is for me to decide whether or not I will accept who I am. But if I do not accept my identity, how can others accept it?

Such are the random thoughts that flit through my mind almost daily as I deal with this in-between state. And the desire to stand up and walk off somewhere remains. But I have been told to go to bed and must obey.

took another random quiz... whee!

2009-05-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

What does my birth month say about me?

September

Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves sports, leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

hmm.. comments, please. just for the fun of it. =]