I know I should post.. but everything is going to turn cryptic. Oh well, something is better than nothing.

There are many people who are like me in many ways. However, I have found a person who has one characteristic of mine that I would not wish on anyone. Now that I have found this out, I ache inside wanting to alleviate their pain. I look around for help.. only to realize once again how alone I am.

Even in the middle of a crowd.. I am alone.

I will not say that I am a "lone drifter" since that phrase has already been taken by another. Who I am and what I feel inside is... well.. not meant to be put into words, especially not for those of you who will be reading this. All I can say is that certain circumstances have forced me to push them in and hide them deeper than ever before.

I've heard people say that they are all alone.. a loner. However, few of them realize that if they'd actually stop feeling sorry for themselves and make a change in their life then they might actually be welcomed in. Honestly, I've wondered if I truly am a loner or maybe I'm just faking it...
I'll never tell ;P

I'm Growing Up...

...and it hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before. The pain is deep inside and invisible to all eyes but mine own. It twists up my insides grinding away enjoying my silent cries of pain. It pounds again and again pushing me to the breaking point.. wondering how much longer I can take it. It knows I can't run forever and now the time has come. The time has come to face my fears and stop avoiding reality.

I'm growing up and it hurts worse than anything you can possibly imagine.

Winter Formal

It's that time of year again. When all the guys go bonkers trying to figure out which girl to ask.. and all the girls go bonkers trying to figure out how to make the guy they like notice them and take them to "the ball."

I, however, find guys relatively useless (no offense). Well, on the positive side, they're fun to play with. ^__^ So, here I sit, watching, waiting, laughing. It's kind of fun to find out who's asking whom.

Thankfully, I do not have to go. I promised I wouldn't. ^_^ Perhaps, if you really really really really want me to go.. well.. there's always a chance <3

The Reason Why..

Perhaps some of my loyal readers have at one point in their lives wondered why guys shouldn't wear earrings. Well, in a burst of inspiration, the real reason why came to me.

Some of you may know that girls tend to have really strange and somewhat random urges. No doubt you have all heard of the strange tastes that pregnant women develop.. like.. sardines in yogurt? ew...
Well, I was shopping at OSH with my dad and the guy at checkout had an earring. I just looked at it... and felt the urge to reach up and pull. I don't know why, but when guys wear earrings, it's just so tempting to reach up and pull it. So, if you value your ears, guys, don't get earrings.

*dies laughing* the funniest part is.. I kinda knew the guy... *laughs harder*

The Art of Simplicity

Long ago, way before I was born, life was simple. The things back then that were thought complicated were really quite simple. Possibly the most intricate and complicated thing was courting. Today, everything is complicated. Terribly complicated.

I was talking to my dad in the car.. and we were listening to christmas.. listening to them sing about snow and a white christmas...
Dad: "well, you spent a couple months in South Dakota before we came here. You're pretty much a California girl aren't you?"
Me: *laughs* almost.. but not quite.. it's hard to be a California girl when you utterly detest California."
Dad: "You're right. After all, your heart's in the midwest, isn't it?"
Me: *thinks* "Actually, I think my heart is in the past."

In the past, when life was simple. When love was love and hate was hate and people could be kind to each other without fear. When there was no need for complicated facades and so much pain. Yes, so much pain.

*slice*

I cut myself yesterday- right across the wrist. It was fast and almost painless. It never ceases to amaze me how tough and impenetrable my skin seems yet how easy it is to slice through it. The cut isn't very smooth and probably won't leave a scar, it's kinda jagged and rough. I suppose that's to be expected since I'm relatively inexperienced. However, I am sure I will get more accurate and precise with practice.

Reflection

Look at me
I will never pass for a perfect bride
Or a perfect daughter
Can it be
I'm not meant to play this part?
Now I see
That if I were truly to be myself
I would break my fam'ly's heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight
Back at me?
Why is my reflection someone
I don't know?
Somehow I cannot hide
Who I am
Though I've tried
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I devote this post to my two good friends, Denise and Michelle Tsang and to the memories we share.

Far Away

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know, you know, you know

That I love you
I loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
Cause you know, you know, you know

That I love you
I loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
(So far away)
Been far away for far too long
So far away
(So far away)
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
(I love you)
I loved you all along
And I forgive you
(and I forgive you)
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing
Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and never let me go
(Keep breathing)
Hold on to me and never let me go
(Keep breathing)
Hold on to me and never let me go

Since somebody else *cough cough* beat me to it, I'll keep it short.

Happy Birthday, Old Man!!!!! <3

Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday, Isaac. hmm.. I don't know how old you are even.. I'll guess 16. or maybe 17? iono. Anyways. I hope you had a very happy birthday with your loving family ^___^

Now, if you'd be so kind as to send me a wishlist, however long or short, I would be much obliged.

Blood... ...

The knife slices through the skin quickly, just as you knew it would. Blood oozes out of the small, thin cut and you feel only a slight sting. You stare, entranced, as the blood spreads out... weaving in and out of the cracks of your skin until it forms a thin weblike bloody picture on your skin. In a moment, it is gone as your tongue licks it up. You taste the saltiness of blood as you turn to continue on with your life as though nothing had happened.

Suicidal, eh?

Ho-hum and a bottle of rum

Deborah: "The blank page is before you and nothing behind."

Yups... you'll never guess where I am right now.

Well.. I won't make you guess since I'm feeling generous today.

It all happened like this... I was sitting at home minding my own business shortly after my parents had left to go on their honeymoon *cough* I mean anniversary trip. All of a sudden, the whole house started shaking due to a point 10 earthquake! Before I knew it, the earth had split open and I fell into a dark void of "a space time warp." Thankfully(or not), I was soon sucked out of the darkness by a massive tornado. After five mind boggling minutes, I found myself deposited in the middle of nowhere feeling very dizzy indeed. However, before I could figure out which way was up or down I found myself stuffed into a very small duffle bag and tied to the back of a purple motorcycle. Before long, the drugs took effect and I drifted into.. oblivion... ...

"So, now I'm here. I don't know where here is, but somehow I have access to the internet. But it wouldn't be fair to make you guess where I am since I don't know where I am either."

Author's note: The parts in quotes are where my mysterious captor input her remarkably amusing ideas. For all you guys out there, if you can find her, she's quite a catch. *wink wink*

Sick... again x_x

I think the worst part of being sick is that it's so inconvenient. Either you go to school and are miserable.. or you stay home and get lonely. Well, I'm staying home. And I'm lonely. So, then I get really hyper and jump off the walls when my parents get home only to be painfully reminded that I'm sick as I suffer the painful consequences of my short bursts of energy.
Thankfully, I'm feeling a lot better today. *laughs* Addison, I recall a time when you said carrying on two google talk conversations at a time was skill. That portion of the conversation went something like this...

me: we g2g to lunch.. j
Addison: i will
i know, it's at Mrs. Brushes
:-)
jason told me....
i'm IMing him too.
only a gneius is capable of that
i mean genius!
me: *dies laughing* r
of what? eating?
r
goodbye
Addison: no
two at once
c'ya
Well.. if IMing to two people at a time is considered genius.. then how about five? It was really funny. Last night, I went onto AIM to see if I could catch Deborah and I didn't bother to go invisible. Well, Debrrs wasn't on, but I found five other people to talk to. It was really funny. I had trouble keeping track of what I had said to whom.. and, goodness, you people type fast. x_x And I was really tired so I kept yawning. Such fun. Especially after a really long, lonely day.

PS I'm sure there's lotsa people who have talked to more than five ppl at a time on IM, lemme know your record!

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
Knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental
Seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say goodbye

Try to forgive, teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say goodbye
Help me say goodbye

The Art of Worship

I'm not quite sure how to write this, so it may sound a bit awkward. -_-

Christians. You see them everywhere, right? or so you think. Too often, we are Christians in name only. In doing so, we forget our true purpose as Christians- to bring glory to God. However, most of the time we are only Christians if we are going to get something out of it. When it comes down to our daily lives, however, we live lives of hypocrisy. We go to church to worship God... supposedly. However, all too often the clothes of the singers or even the singers themselves destract us from our purpose. What's the difference between Christians and the rest of the world? Most of the time there's only one difference. Christians are hypocrites. We talk God-talk, but act just like everyone else, sometimes worse. I know nonChristian friends who dress more decently than three-quarters of the people at church! When we sing worship songs during service, are the worship leaders really trying to bring worship to God? or exalt themselves? It's easy to say "Who cares?"... and too often we do just that.
"I want guys to notice me so I'm going to wear these clothes to church."
"Who cares about the message, I just wanna hang out with my friends at club."
"Who cares about bringing glory to God? I wanna be on worship team so all the girls will notice how good I sing.. or play guitar... or drums..."Perhaps I was once that way... I cannot remember.

Most Christians don't see themselves as murderers. However, when you look at that unsaved person you know and say "because of my bad example, that person will probably suffer in hell for all eternity" it really changes the way you view life. At least, it did for me. I have a good friend who is not a Christian. A little over a year ago I found out why. We were writing journals in Bible class and I looked over and started reading my friends paper. She pretty much said that she didn't believe in God 'cuz so many people at school claimed to be Christians but acted worse than most nonChristians. That hit me really hard. I thought back to how I had been acting that week, and even that day and asked myself "have I been acting the way a true Christian should?" The immediate answer was no. After that, I kinda shut up.

Ask yourself, "Have I been acting the way a true Christian should? Would my actions draw others to Christ or to myself? Who is more important to me, God or myself?"
Then change! Or soon, you will be looking down into the grave of a friend and know that it is your fault that they will be spending eternity in hell.

Stress Relief

Laughter is the best medicine.
Tonight, at dinner...
Dad: So, I guess you grin at yourself in the mirror, huh?
*we talk some more.. about other things*
Dad: I was going to say something but now I forgot!
Me: uuh.. what was it about? food? logical thinking? school?
Dad: no.. it fit in with what we were talking about..
*we talk some more* couple minutes later...
Dad: I remember what I was going to say! So, I guess you grin at yourself in the mirror.
Me: *dies laughing* you already said that.

ahahaha.. so funny. Or maybe I'm just tired.
Deborah: My brother thinks your mean.
Me: ha! He should have seen me when I first came in and benched the entire room! *walks over to her brother* but don't worry, I'll be nice to you. Would you like this bag that I just confiscated?
*Deborah and I die laughing*

Such fun. I told Deborah I was going to post about something else.. but I'm not sure I feel up to it. Maybe tomorrow??? I will, I will! I promise! Soon! ^_^